Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
