There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
