Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
