So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
