i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
