I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
