I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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