i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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