i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
