i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
