...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize