i can't believe i had my finger in that
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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