life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
one two three fourrrrnication!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
