so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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