I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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