That's when you crack a 10am beer
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize