there's paper in my vomit.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
