I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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