It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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