Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
