I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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