god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
