Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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