Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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