why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
