i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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