And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
