She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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