at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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