Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Randomize