Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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