Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
