oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
3 2 1 whiskey
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
