i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
