I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize