If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
