i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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