Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
