There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
