Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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