My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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