you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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