First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
