FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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