Just fell off a train. Bad.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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