Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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