when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
