I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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