he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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