I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
you had me at cake vodka
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
