My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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