My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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