The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
