I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize