Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
They left me at home... I'm a liability
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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