I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
