trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
