i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
