How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
