Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
